One If By Land

Progressive political commentary, analysis, and opinion. Showing no mercy to Republicans or Democrats, conservatives or liberals. "A great democracy must be progressive or it will soon cease to be a great democracy." Theodore Roosevelt

Sunday, October 03, 2004

SCHWARTZ'S REPUBLICAN CONVENTION REVIEW

Sorry, I realize this one’s a bit out of date, but it took a little longer than expected to get the site up and running, I promise you the next blog will be a bit more timely, the presidential debates, vice-presidential debate preview, etc.

SCHWARTZ’S REPUBLICAN CONVENTION REVIEW

(Warning, this piece is offensive, nearly as offensive as the people it was written to offend. If you fancy yourself too intellectual to read material which is patently insulting to people who deserve to be insulted, please skip to one of the more serious pieces presented on this website)

The speakers at the RNC fell back on the “best defense is a good offense” strategy, and it’s easy to see why when you consider that both their ruinous policies and their repugnant personalities are wholly indefensible. They more or less just repeated the same nonsense in the hope that the most impressionable swing voters will believe it. I actually have a few republican friends who honestly believe, for example, that Kerry faked his wounds. Yeah, it’s real easy to fake a shrapnel wound. All you need is a jagged piece of metal and a hammer to drive it into one of your limbs. Even better, just pull the pin out of a grenade and let it explode next to you. That’s pretty much guaranteed to give you all kinds of ‘fake’ shrapnel wounds like John Kerry’s. In fact, any GOP moron who honestly believes that Kerry faked his wounds, I dare you to try it. If you do, you’ll win the twoifbysea fake purple heart. Promise. On the other hand, there was once a politician who was called out for lying about the quality of his service in World War I. His name was Prescott “Hitler’s Little Helper” Bush. To be fair, he at least served, albeit without distinction, unlike his chicken- hawk grandsons.
To be honest, I’m an independent and I found both conventions hard to sit through. As a patriotic service I forced myself to listen to as much of their tired ramblings as possible, and am proud to present a summary of some of the highlights:
First up, Dick “If I only had a heart” Cheney had the pacemaker set in high gear as he explained why John Kerry can’t keep the country safe. After all, he snarled, Kerry couldn’t even keep himself safe during the Vietnam War, so how could he possibly keep the entire country safe? What kind of man gets wounded three times and can’t even get out of a second tour of duty after finishing his first? What this country needs is a guy like Dick “DWI” Cheney- he dodged the draft five times. That’s one deferment for every DWI arrest, isn’t it? How did a guy who dropped out of college manage to get five education deferments? Maybe Kerry should have just told the Navy that he had “other priorities” the way Dick the Dodger did. If you want more on Cheney, see my upcoming “The Case for Treason Against Dick Cheney”
The real tour de force of the convention for me was Arnold “I’m not a real hero but I played one in the movies” Schwartzenegger’s juiced-up tirade against John Kerry. “John Kerry thinks he’s so tough because he has und little piece of shrapnel from Vietnam stuck inside him. Vell, I have und entire syringe from my 6th Mr. Olympia title stuck in my right arm, so Mr. Kerry should complaining. Und he alvays shows the same tired stock footage of himself in Vietnam in his army fatigues. He looks so thin und veak. Hey John, a real tough guy vears pink spandex shorts like my Mr. Olympia pose- down outfit, or a furry loincloth like in Conan. Oh, you vere wounded. Vell next time try using a stunt double like Arnold does.” To be honest, Kerry did look a bit spindly in that Vietnam film. Maybe he should try the trick Arnold uses whenever he’s asked to pose for a picture with a weight lifter who’s bigger than he is- wearing a puffy, oversized jacket no matter how hot it is.
The Gropinator then went on to chastise anyone who thinks a half trillion dollar a year deficit is a bad thing with a quote from Adam Smith. Oh no, wait, actually, he just called them “economic girlie men”. As opposed to the sexual girlie men Arnie enjoyed some steroid enhanced romance with in the locker room back in his bodybuilding days. I wonder what the Sperminator’s favorite pick-up line for other juiced-up lifters used to by? “I’LL BE in BACK!”, perhaps? Or was it “I’ll be top!”. Could it have been, “I’ll be bent-over!”? To give credit where credit is due, Schwartzenbugger did promise to deregulate groping for all non-girlie men if and when he becomes dur fuhrer. Twoifbysea fully supports this policy. While he was running for governor in California Schwartenbuggar’s favorite stunt was to carry around a broom and talk about “sweeping out corruption”, but considering his clandestine meetings with Enron and the way his energy policy is benefiting Chevron, perhaps he ought to have been carrying a broom to “soak the people”. California uber alles- Zieg hiel!
Another highlight would have to be Laura “Vehicular Manslaughter” Bush standing by her man. Texas’ own Demolition Derby Debutante took the podium with the same manic look in her eye that characterizes all of her public appearances, and put on the whole ‘I’m just a down home Texas housewife whose husband may very possibly be the antichrist’ act. She then tried to convince the world what a great husband W is. I guess everything’s relative (no, that’s not an incest joke aimed at Texas; well not at the half of the state which, according to recent polls, is planning to vote against their state’s favorite son). I mean, if all she has to compare W to is his brother Jonathan then he’s a great husband. After all, W hasn’t admitted to sleeping with Chinese prostitutes (not yet anyway). Hey Jonathan, here’s a hint from an old Asia hand (me)- real men, even real mediocre men like you, don’t need to pay for it in Asia. I suppose Bushes just aren’t real men (although it’s rumored that some of their secret skull and bones sex friends are- no comment from the Kerry camp, for some reason). But then again, the first brother didn’t have to pay for it, since the ladies were gifts from the Chinese to show their appreciation for Jonathan’s willingness to betray his country by selling them dual use technology.
Laura “Crash” Bush rambled incoherently for awhile, and it was so hard to listen to her that I honestly can’t comment on whatever else she said. Hey Whora, if you’re really such a good school teacher, how come your husband can’t read. A quick look at his budget proves that he can’t do math, either. And you can forget about driver’s ed. in this family. It’s recently come out that she was the ‘go to’ girl for dope back in her college days- doesn’t that beat anything Hillary Clinton did (or after $50 million in pointless investigations, turns out not to have done) in the Whitewater deal? One has to wonder, was she stoned back in ’63 when she ran that red light at 50mph on her way to a party and accidentally killed the driver of the car she broad-sided- who happened to be her ex-boyfriend? Now, I don’t believe she could have done it on purpose. After all, you’d have to be 007 to aim a car just right so as to kill the driver of the car you hit while only sustaining minor injuries to yourself and your passenger. But I do know that if she was the college dope queen, she was probably the dope princess in high school. Let’s face it, what do high school druggies do before they get to a party? Rumor has it, they like to toke up on the way. What makes this case any different from Chapaquiddic? Well, the republican morality police don’t like to go after their own for the crimes they condemn the rest of the world for.
I wonder W married her for love, or just for the cheap dope hook-up? If it was the latter reason, imagine his horror when he finally sobered up. I want to bomb someone too.
The republicans also carted out their token African American. I forget this guy’s name. So do all of the republicans who sat through his speech pretending not to be racists. He’s the one black guy in America who’s never heard of the Emancipation Proclamation. He’s also apparently never heard of the Florida scrub list which prevented hundreds of thousands of black votes in the last election, and may be used to do the same in this one, if Jeb Bush gets his way. Or the fact that the GOP’s control of the house has been achieved by a history of gerrymandering and violent intimidation meant to suppress the African American vote throughout the South. “I done thinked I was gonna hafta were that same ole lawn-jockey suit I gots to were at all the other republican party parties I gets to go to, but when Massa Bush told me I was gonna gets to were a real suit this time, I done recalled what a kindly Massa he is. If you votes for Massa Bush, you ken have yourselfs a kindly Massa too.” Hey buddy, ever here of Abe Lincoln? Martin Luther King? Malcolm X? Obama? Apparently not.
The reason this guy annoyed me so much is that his job was to promote the “No child Left Behind” Act and Bush’s other education policies- vouchers, massive under funding, blending of church and state in the schools, etc. Only an ‘educational Uncle Tom’ could promote any of these policies. A former educator myself, I decided to check with people still working in education for their views of the Bush education agenda. I spoke to teachers, guidance counselors, a P.H.D. professor of education- all opposed. I decided that my personal circle of acquaintances might be biased, so I checked the journals, newspapers, the net- the overwhelming majority of educators consider the education agenda an unfounded mandate which is a drain on resources better used in other ways; a boon to the standardized testing industry (a big Bush donor); and a disaster for our children. It’s also an infringement on state’s rights (for you good republicans). The vouchers will subsidize private schools for the affluent without making them affordable for the lower and middle classes, whose children will be stuck in schools more decrepit than ever. Children will be left behind across the board, but it’s a safe bet which children will be left the farthest behind in the most decrepit schools- but apparently the RNC token African American isn’t concerned about non-GOP, non-token black children.
Of course, there was the token Hispanic too. The republican’s Hispanic support comes mainly from Cuban exiles who hate communist tyranny in Cuba so much that they are willing to support fascist tyranny in America to oppose it. Get over it; 1) we won’t invade Cuba. 2) Our current Cuba policy benefits one person- Castro. 3) If you want to be an American, put what’s right for America (and Hispanic Americans) first. If your first concern is regime change in Cuba, go back there and take care of it yourselves- good luck. As far as the GOP is concerned Hispanic Americans will be relegated to the lowest paid manual labor in the country indefinitely, and one speech by a token minority at the RNC isn’t going to change that. Don’t believe me? Go to the south Texas and ask around the Hispanic communities there. They’ll tell you just how little a Bush is prepared to do for his non-white subjects.
Sorry, did you think that Cheney’s was the raving, crazy old man speech of note? That distinction would have to go to Zell Miller’s semi-senile tirade. The corporate press and republican spinsters tried to play this up like it was some shocking defection, but the fact of the matter is the only people who ever knew or cared who Zell Miller was outside of Georgia were avid democrats who have considered him a traitor for years anyway. The best thing about Zell’s swan song is that it was his retirement speech, and his inability to focus on reality or to be consistent with his own previous on-the-record comments shows why its past time for him to go. Between him bush and Saxby Chambliss, who mercilessly smeared Max Cleland, the triple amputee and nationally respect war hero, Georgia has given us two of the most oddly named, despicable senators in recent history. In fairness to the people of Georgia, however, Suxby Clambitch was only elected thanks to the Diebold electronic voting machines which make democracy that much friendlier to the GOP. But back to Zell, Matt Groening ought to sue this guy, because he stole his personality from Abe “Grandpa” Simpson. On the bright side, his adult diapers held up throughout the whole meandering rant. Hey Zell, do you know what most people do after they retire? They die. Why don’t you try it? If those religious right nut jobs you always pandered to are right, you’ll end up in a place that rhymes with your first name.
But the greatest speech of all had to be the twins. It’s really hard to satirize anything they said. After all, the point of satire is to make something seem more ridiculous than it actual is, and making their performance seem any more ridiculous is a task analogous to making a men’s room in a Beijing train station smell worse than it already does. Girls, we weren’t laughing with you, we (the whole world) were laughing AT you. They definitely got the public speaking genes from their father’s side of the family. I couldn’t tell if they’d drunk too much or too little before they went on. Remember the gong show? They wouldn’t have lasted 10 seconds. Thee less ugly one trying to look all slinky while the more ugly one did most of the talking really didn’t help. Hey girls, if you really want to help your daddy here’s an idea- enlist. Oh, more bad news, once the FBI gets the green light to put together that criminal DNA database your driver’s licenses are going to be revoked, because you’ve got driving to endanger written on all 46 chromosomes (or however many chromosomes Bushes have). Alright, maybe I’m being too hard on the little lushes. Really girls, you did a great job. You’re going to Disney World! That’s in Florida, so you’ll have plenty of time to drop into the governor’s mansion and visit your uncle Jeb. He’ll be waiting for you out in the woodshed with a couple of bottles of Jack and some massage oil.
W’s speech, well, at the time I was in Herald Square getting ready to heckle the delegates as the left for home- I’ve never seen so many fat, dumb animals move so quickly. Find a National Geographic Special of hippopotami and play it on fast forward, that should give you an idea. I did force myself to sit through most of the replay later. It’s the wizard of Oz ticket- Dick “If I only had a heart” Cheney and George “If I only had a brain” Bush, and he sure showed just how badly he needs that brain. The guy still doesn’t know where the damn camera is after four years. He just stares off any old way and stumbles through, real slow on the big, tricky words like nukuler. When the Roman republic fell to the rule of an emperor, at least they got a great personality like Julius Caesar; why must we be saddled with this shoe-size-greater-than-his-IQ throwback? Ever hear of “stream of consciousness”? Well with W, it’s a “puddle of consciousness”- a stagnant puddle at that.
Well, there you have it, the RNC fully analyzed and interpreted for the patriotic American by your friends at twoifbysea. Some of you right wing types may call this blog childish, unfair, and offensive. You may also have a self- righteous feeling about this, as if you are not being a despicable hypocrite. In that case please review the past 10 years worth of material from Billl O’reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Matt Wiener (a.k.a Matt Savage- what’s the matter Matt, Wiener Nation not a good name for a radio show?) and tell me with a straight face that you and your GOP heros didn’t have it coming. And there’ll be much more to come in the weeks ahead here at twoifbysea.us.

Twoifbysea would like to give a Sons of Liberty salute to two groups who are taking great actions against the tyrannical regime of mad King George II, Texansfortruth (www.texansfortruth.com) and Public Action Campaign Fund (www.PCActionFund.org). They are running ads exposing the truth about Bush in the former case and Cheney / Halliburton in the later in battleground states, and are seeking donations to fund their ad buys. Please note that neither group is in any way affiliated with twoifbysea.us. We believe that their actions deserve our support, and thought that we ought to pass that on to our readers.

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